Realizing your spouse is your teammate not your enemy
“Every 11 seconds there is a divorce happening in America”
“There are 9 divorces in the time it takes for a couple to recite their wedding vows”
“The marriage rate in the US is currently 6.8 per 1,000 population. The divorce rate is 3.2 per 1,000 population”
“Couples are 31 percent less likely to divorce if they have some pre-marriage training”
“Almost 8 in 10 couples who pray together say they are happy or extremely happy together.”
“Think the best, but don’t expect perfection from your spouse. Even in the midst of an argument, 99 percent of highly happy couples believe their spouse cares for them. Among struggling couples, only 59 percent believe that to be the case.”
Perspective is huge when it comes to anything and that’s including marriage. The facts listed above can be daunting or they can be encouraging. I included two sets of facts because I think it’s important to note that marriage can be seen differently depending on who is telling the story. Have you ever gotten into a battle with your spouse and immediately you saw them as the enemy? Nothing they could say or do changed your mind? I’ve been there! In fact, I’ve been there MANY OF TIMES! I like to be an open book about my marriage because I hate for people to make assumptions and I care about the mental health of everyone. I honestly do. Ask my husband. However, I was not always able to talk myself through the rough patches, fights and disagreements, and honestly, I still find myself struggling at times to do so. Fights between my hubs and I would last for days and sometimes even weeks. I think it’s safe to say we both struggled with our own sense of pride, insecurities and stubbornness. In the midst of disagreements, we went for blood, not literally, but you get my point. We were so caught up in wining the argument that we didn’t care how we treated each other or sometimes what we said to the each other. This was tough. It caused so many hurt feelings, walls being built up and a lot of unwarranted pain that we didn’t see coming.
For a long time, we were not playing on the same team. In fact, we were a one man one-woman solo sort of makeup. I saw him as the enemy. He saw me as the same. However, what we didn’t see was each other and the willingness for us to stay around, stick it out and make it work as grounds to get better for each other. As we began having children, I think our hearts softened a lot more, because we want to be the best representation for them that we could be. We’ve also made the habit of therapy together. Therapy helps us both see each other for who we are. Not who we’ve made each other to be. Therapy helps with the shift of perspectives and gets us talking and thinking about things we may have not considered without the help of an outside perspective. I see a lot of growth between my husband and I that I can say wasn’t there a few years ago, and I am excited to keep growing with this man. Growth requires grit. If you are in marriage the first thing you want to do is take the exits off. When you acquire a plan B and see something else as an option you immediately treat your spouse as just that, an option. Marriage is a priority, at least it should be, and when you view it as that, you begin to view a lot of the happenings that you all encounter as opportunities to “train” to be the best spouse you can be. Love isn’t the only thing that can hold a marriage together. Yes, it is important to love your spouse, but you have to respect them, honor them, see them, and cherish them as a person the same way you do yourself. Love is the factor that brought you all to the altar point. However, will power to see each other as teammates and not as enemies are going to be the driving source to keep your marriage going. My husband is my best friend, and on days that my best friend and I aren’t seeing eye to eye, I hold myself accountable by speaking with girlfriends who see marriage similar to how we see marriage. This helps bring accountability and encouragement to do right by my husband and myself. Even when they’re saying things I don’t necessarily want to hear in the moment 😊 (yes, pride is still that thorn in my side that I have to keep fighting, pray for me as I pray for myself).
I say all of this because I know we have lived life as a society teaching people that relationships are disposable or that people are disposable. This is not true, and if we manage through life this way, we will only find ourselves picking up the pieces to life instead of creating the pieces of life. I encourage anyone to seek therapy. Rather its for yourself or for you and your spouse. An outside non bias perspective can help with how you see each other and help you start a new journey, a healthy journey, a better journey, together. Peace. Love. Blessings.
