“Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, go hard or go home”. These are words that my highschool basketball coach instilled in our team. Words that now replay in my head time and time again as I undergo time away from the office supplemented with virtual work.

Whatever it takes? I need to wake up everyday at 4:00A.M maintaining the schedule that I follow when commuting to work. Wake up, hit the gym, do eight hours of work, and complete whatever my schedule has lined up for that day. Then, once the workday is complete, conquer being a wife and a mom to wake up and do it all over again. That was the commitment to myself. To my family. I even assured God that this was my plan and I was sticking to it.

Photo by Plush Design Studio on Unsplash

HA! Little did I know the joke was on me. The first day of virtual work, I snoozed my 4:00A.M. alarm and told myself you can wake up at 5:00A.M. workout, meditate, shower, and then log into work by 6:30A.M. After a while, the workouts started to slow down. The meditation became non-existent. Talking to God became a, “Hey, how you doing?” sort of conversation. I just didn’t feel like it!

So what happens when, Whatever it Takes, turns into giving very little to nothing at all? What do you do? What or who do you turn to? I hit this place the second week of working from home and I felt less than. To everyone else my life was perfect. To those in my home and myself, well, we knew I hit a point that I needed to take a step back, really look at myself and ask, since when did my, “Whatever it takes” become a structured watered down way of living? I don’t have your answer to the questions above. I only have my answer that I hope will ignite your search to find yours.

I stopped with the deadlines. I stopped telling myself I had to figure out my purpose during this time or that I needed to pay off all of our debt before deadlines from the stimulus package started to exhaust. I stopped telling myself I needed to lose 20lbs and keep it off so I can post a flattery, quarantine body IG post. You know the picture I am talking about. One that shows how well you’ve been doing whilst the rest of the world is home stress eating, or caring for their children 24/7, or a loved one who may be sick. Yes, that one.

I stopped trying to start a fire to a purpose that wasn’t mine. I became burnt out, because I was trying to meet deadlines that weren’t realistic to begin with. I recognized that I started adopting negative self talk, and negative conversations. This allowed me to self reflect, to charge myself with the very thing that I hold all who are attached to me with. Dig deeper. What was really pushing me to think that the list of to-do's had to be met by the end of this quarantine?

So many people push the agenda to tell you that you should still eat healthy. Continue to pray. Invest your money in something you may not even understand. Teach your children more than what they were learning at school. Life skills, life skills, life skills. I felt like I had to keep up.

I sent several friends text messages, exclaiming how I felt like I was a horrible mother, because I was sending our children to daycare while this virus has been spreading like a wildfire. In my heart, I knew what it was that I was looking for. Validation. Looking for each of them to respond and tell me the very things I already knew, but because in times of uncertainty we are our own biggest critics, it’s our belief that everyone is judging us even if they look our way. I allowed that need for validation to seep in and I made the decision to keep our children home, although my husband and I still had work to do. While they were home I reminded myself over and over again, “Chellvie, you’ve got this! You’re a mom! If other women can do it, so can you!”.

Only to wake up the next day to get my children dressed for daycare, because I realized I couldn’t juggle it all. My reality is not your reality. There may be moms out there that can work a full 8 hour shift, teach their children 8 hours, cook clean, have love to give to their husband and then start it all over again. News flash. Not me! I learned that that's totally okay for me and I have nothing to prove. Does this mean I love my children any less? Nope. It does prove my level of faith and trust in God. As mothers, we have natural instincts, but then we can also allow worry to overcloud our instincts. There’s nothing our children’s daycare has ever done to make me question the safety and health of our children, and I won’t start now.

Prior to this pandemic, I was slowly getting to know myself again. I’ve been pregnant for the past four years, serving as a wife, and trying to figure out the God given purpose my life should imitate. So, when this pandemic hit, it hit hard! I felt like God was punishing me. I had blinders on not realizing that this wasn’t a punishment at the least; and surely I wasn’t the only one impacted by this trauma. Yes, I was impacted. Yes, so much of what I wanted to accomplish felt like yet again it was being put on hold, but was that truly the important factor of this time to take a seat?

Not at all. God has a bigger plan and surely we can all tap into that spiritual realm He has provided us, to understand what His plan is. However, understanding His plan does not mean that you have to do what the next person is doing to get there. Your why is exactly that, yours! I welcome you to take the time you may need to feel like the world has defeated you. We’ve all been there, and if you haven’t please note the end of this message.

No matter when you reach that moment, don’t stay there! It’s okay to reach that moment, and anyone telling you that you can’t be human is not being their true selves. I encourage you to trust that, whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, you will reach who you are destined to be when it is your time. While you are on that journey of becoming, go hard or go home. Peace. Love. Blessings.

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MsConceptions

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